Sitting, Wishing, Waiting

It’s always awesome to be around family. Well….not so much my parents. Don’t get me wrong; they are great people whom I love to death, but they can drive me batty if I spend too much time around them. I was actually talking about Dylan and Kylie – my two best friends in the world. Since I am sitting here in Tuscaloosa just killing time until the new casa in Anniston is ready this Friday, I decided to bring Dylan home with me for a few days until we head back for church Wednesday night.

My wife and children give me such purpose, motivation and meaning. They are amazing gifts from God.

It’s truly amazing how much clarity I get from spending time with a 4-year old. The unconditional love he has for me, the way he looks up to me and always tries to make me proud is so life affirming. I spent so much time away from my children over the last year I had forgotten how incredible they are. I thought that running from them and their mother – getting distance and separation – would allow me to forget about what had happened; to pretend it never existed and just move ahead with my life. Trust me, that didn’t work. It made my soul restless. It kept me lying awake at night. After spending my entire life running from problems and feelings I had finally found something I couldn’t escape; love at its most basic, true form.

Having my son and daughter around gives my life purpose, reason and motivation. I lacked all that when they were gone. I’m not sure how I ever made it 25 years without them. Everything I try to do is to better their lives and give them opportunities I never had. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. They absolutely have the most amazing woman as a mother also. The fact that she married me the first time still flabbergasts me. I can’t at all understand why she wants me back after all I put her through. She’s just that special. She is without a doubt a gift from God. And it shows in my children. They have her generosity, her inquisitiveness and thankfully for them her stunning beauty. But most importantly they ground me and make me see what’s important in life just like she does. A man couldn’t ask for three better best friends to grow old with. And that’s what I realized laying here with Dylan watching him nap.

It’s like the old Japanese Proverb that says “When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.” My family is my best friend; and they make me look so much better than I deserve. I try every minute of every day to make decisions that honor, love, respect and reciprocate all that they give me. I love each of them so much more than I can ever show or tell them. But I will spend my lifetime trying.

On My Knees

It’s been a really tough week thus far emotionally for me. I mentioned the reconciliation discussion last Sunday (see my previous blog) and ever since then I have been really confused if what we are doing was the right thing. Marriages are complicated – heck, any kind of relationship has its ups and downs. I have been down on my hands and knees in prayer about my family and better half all week. The only time I seem to have had any clarity has been when I am praying or running.

I want us to be like these two. Old people in love are so cute!

But today I became clear on everything. I don’t know if I just saw it in a different light or if it just took me a while to process what God was telling me. I have received so many differing opinions from friends about what to do. But the fact is most of them aren’t divorced, or don’t have children, or have never even been married. I know they care about me and want what’s best for my life – but they also don’t have a full-view of the situation or any relative experience. I had to go to the Lord for final guidance on this issue.

Heather and I are both scared to death. I thought at first that was a bad thing – I thought that we should both feel amazing about trying to make our marriage work again. I thought we shouldn’t be worried or concerned. But I realized today that I was wrong. We SHOULD be scared and nervous. When things ended I was an alcoholic, she was in a deep depression, and things were very, very dark and meek. We essentially lived separate of each other. I understand why we are hesitant. We are scared of what was. We don’t want to go back to that place and the hurt and anguish we went through a year ago.

That fright however is a blessing. It is what will drive us to make something unique and new – form a new stronger relationship over what we had even at the best of times before. We are building what is; not going back to what was. I know if we both work diligently at saving our relationship we can. God put us here for a reason…and has brought us back together for a reason. Maybe it’s not His intention for this to work out, but for us to learn a lesson along the way. I don’t know His plans – but I do know He’s always out in front of us leading us where we need to go. If we stay focused on His path, we cannot lose.

I’m not sure what the future holds for us – I hope a lifetime of happiness and joy; I hope one day we will be able to help other couples who are going through the same trials and tribulations we are. I hope I am writing this blog 50 years from now with Heather sitting by my side. But that’s not for me to decide. All I know is that God has given me a second chance with the most important woman ever in my life and I will do everything in my power to honor, love and cherish her while I can.

It’s Friday I’m In Love

It was an interesting weekend. I packed up and left out Friday morning in order to help Heather with the kids. Initially I was going to show up Saturday, spend the night with her and the babies and then head to church with them in the morning. Unfortunately, a sick little girl forced Heather to take off Friday so I did what any smitten guy would do in this situation; head over a day early.

It ended up being a strange weekend, though. She is still living with her family – which is where I stayed as well. It felt much more like we were jumping right back into the way things used to be than we both liked. I think that was just because of our surroundings and the fact I was there to also spend time with my children. I am fully aware that I MUST treat her like a girlfriend if I intend for her to stay around.

I can't wait until we get back to not just being as strong a couple as we once were, but even stronger because of what we've been through.

I absolutely cannot take her for granted. We had a long discussion that might have made me cry at one point (yes…I’m a crier) about whether this was the right thing to do or not. I left uncertain of where she stood. Fortunately for me, I got a call on my drive home that she does in fact want to do this. I think we had both hoped that a newness would be there; that initial feeling of euphoria you get when you date someone and like them. But it wasn’t.
Again…surroundings I think. That’s not to say we didn’t really enjoy a lot of our time together. We took the kids to the park and softball practice, went to church, had an awesome day at the mall together…but it’s different. And it always will be. We already know everything there is to know about one another. We might not get that first feeling of infatuation back ever…but we can certainly rekindle the flames of passion in our relationship. I am working diligently on that because I know how important it is. But what we have is so much deeper and more meaningful than that. Heather pointed out that infatuation always wears off in a relationship. And then what is there? We know what we have in each other; we just have to find the sparks that were there 6 years ago.

So here we are after a very emotional week or so and barreling in towards Friday; the day we’ll all be under one roof again. My kids are super stoked. I am a little scared, but wildly excited. I know it’s going to be amazing because I am going to make it that way. God has us here and going through all this for a reason. It’s going to be turbulent at times…but I know if we keep focused on what’s important in life; our faith and our family – then we cannot and will not fail. God has something big in store for us. I can’t help but feel that in my heart.

So now I am just sitting and waiting basically; T minus 4-days until we blast-off into our new relationship and lives. It’s the most nervous and excited I have been since I told Heather “I do” more than 5 years ago. And just like that day, I am signing up for the long term; through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health. I love her so much.

The Journey of 1000 Miles

The last 12 months of my life have taught me a valuable lesson. First and foremost – I turned back to Christianity after abandoning it for many years. My mother always told me there would more than likely be a major event that would let me “see” God; let me KNOW that Christianity is real. She always talks about an auto accident she had. However, I didn’t have a sudden epiphany.

Not jail, not my wife leaving me…no one event changed me. I think it was the cumulative effects of people, places and things. First and foremost the experience I had in jail, my DUI charge, and the loss of my wife all made me relook at my life and how I was living it. Why was I drinking so much? What had happened to me to make me lose my way so drastically? Where had the Russell I had always been gone to? It forced me into some deep self thought about my purpose here – my calling, if you will.

I cleaned up my life – I started boxing, running and taking care of myself. My overall mood changed drastically. My self-worth went through the roof. But still there was something missing. I met a fantastic woman online who’ll remain nameless for the purpose of this article. Despite the limited time we spent chatting and emailing, I learned a great deal from her. About what my purpose might be, and how God can lead us directions that might not be the easiest, but are there for a reason. These difficulties are to teach us. Or perhaps Satan led me down those paths and God just helped me to see the error of my ways and give me guidance.

Either way I abruptly decided to break my old ties – to pack and move. I just knew it’s what I was meant to do. I felt like the rebuilding of myself was as complete as it would get in the same old surroundings – with the people, places and ghosts of the past haunting me. So I came to Atlanta. My experiences here have been a huge part of my life coming so much back together. From my great friend who has allowed me to crash in his spare room and take the time I need to put it all back together, to all my new wonderful friends I have – who are not only Godly, quality people, but the kind of folks who open their doors and hearts to help you no matter what – they have played such an important part in helping me.

God led me here for a reason – it has allowed me to get back to the person I was. I don’t think it was chance or luck that about the time at which my ex-wife decides to reconcile I am at one of the best points of my life. While her journey hasn’t been exactly the same, she too has been led back to Church and God, and also back to me. I believe we were both sent on trips to get to know ourselves again, so that we can then have a real relationship not just with each other, but with our God and our faith.

I have absolutely been saved by a force so much bigger than me. I have decided to commit all my musical abilities henceforth to playing in Christian bands and spreading the amazing story of what has happened to me to whoever will listen. I feel like I have woken up from a long sleep – and suddenly everything is brighter, better and life’s full of hope. I couldn’t have done it without each and every one of you. You will always have my heartfelt thanks, my love and my gratitude.

My Day of Thanks

Today has been difficult. Thanksgiving without your children is a special pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I’m sure I could have gotten them tonight. But actually it might have made the pain worse. Looking around at families playing in the yard, spending time together, enjoying each other’s company is akin to sticking a knife in my gut and twisting it slowly. I have a hard time explaining the pain in my life to most people. A divorce and the loss of your children is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Especially around the holidays. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

It’s something that you internalize so much. Instead of giving thanks today, I have sat and contemplated myself. Is there something wrong with me? What happened? Where did I go wrong? It’s enough to make you want to crawl in a hole and slowly wither away. I have never lost a close relative – a mother, father or sibling. But I can’t help but think it would be similar to this feeling I have today. And I feel oddly like there’s no one to talk with about it. There are people that care, and are concerned, and try to sympathize. But no one knows what I’ve been through. So I keep so much of it inside. I am finding myself feeling as if I might be starting in a new relationship with a very cool person, but those unanswered questions loom in my mind. Is it me? Will I make the same mistakes? Do I even know what those mistakes are? It’s hard to feel like you can adapt and change when you aren’t sure what you did wrong the first time around.

So here I am on a day of giving thanks, simply feeling sorry for myself – wondering what road in life landed me here. It’s not a bad place. But it’s sure a challenging one. I know there are brighter pastures ahead, and for that I am thankful. And for all the things that got me here. It’s been a long winding road. I just keep driving it. I have the greatest children in the world, and am surrounded by people that love and care for me. Even my ex-wife. I have taken something from all of them and learned so much about myself. The fact God has allowed me to be here still, to have this precious time to write about my experiences and live this amazing life, is what I am most thankful for. I have known so many people who aren’t here anymore to treasure this existence. We are never given more than we can handle. God pushes and tests us. A first Thanksgiving without my children is a tough test. But I will pass. And tomorrow will come. And I’ll keep traveling that long winding road – thankful for the opportunities and friendships, and love and beauty that is everywhere in this world.

You Should Have Seen It In Color

I found myself going through old photos the other day. Life never ceases to fascinate me. The things we hang onto; the hopes, dreams, failures, misfortunes. The people we are come so much from our experiences and the people we surround ourselves with. But those memories we keep and treasure that are so dear to us – just like the pages of a book, slowly fade over time.  And all that’s left are pictures.

I’m thankful for those pictures. They took me back to a place, a moment in time when I was so sure of myself and my life and what was going to happen to me. I realize now though that I was simply a cocky, young kid, who thought he could grab the world by the tail and put it in his pocket. This whole place was my oyster. But as I get older I know that’s not the case. I’m simply a passenger tagging along for the ride.

I realize I can make a difference, and the roads and paths I choose have an effect on my life – and on those people that are around me. I look at those pictures now and see that I wasn’t really as cocky as I tried to appear to be. Whether it was flying into Bosnia with flares and chaff going off all around me, or sitting on a TARMAC in Albania wondering if I’d make it back home – what I really was, was just a scared little kid. And a lot of days I still am. If you thought I looked scared in that old black and white photo from Kosovo – you should have seen it in color.

There’s a wedding picture of my ex-wife and I that caught my attention. I was looking at it subjectively the other day. It’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life. But I was so scared. We were a couple of kids with no idea what we were getting into. We were too busy living for the moment, acting without thinking, telling ourselves we could make it work. We were young…and foolish. That picture is such a front to what life was really like. It was full of uncertainty, of worry and doubt. If I look nervous – you should have seen it in color.

So what am I now? Scared but hopeful. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. I never do. I enjoy the journey – but never knowing the destination…it keeps me on edge. I don’t have the right to complain. I have had a wonderful life. I do what I love everyday. I spend every second enjoying the world around me. But there’s always that little voice in my head that tells me it can all be stripped away in the blink of an eye. And then it’s back to the drawing board.

But I guess that’s what life is all about – reinventing yourself to adapt and survive situations. It’s natural selection at its best. You either get busy living or get busy dying. And I have been learning from a new friend that we are perhaps all on a path towards a destination that IS known…just not to us. That little piece of knowledge has gone a long ways in making me feel better. Maybe God is just leading me through trials and tribulations to get me to the place I am supposed to be. I doesn’t mean I’m not scared as hell, but it gives me peace of mind. Sometimes you have to just turn over your problems and know that there is something bigger, more powerful than you that has plans for your life.

I look at a black and white photo of my first band – a Christian rock band…and I realize I wasn’t scared then. Ever. I was completely at ease. I think I was doing something that I knew was right. I felt so at peace, at ease, surrounded in the knowledge that what I was doing meant something. It had value. It had meaning. I look at that photo and I was so happy. You should have seen it in color.

Praise the Lord!

No need for words here. Just watch. And try not to pee on yourself.