Homeward Bound

Hanging out at my casa with one of my two best friends. Being back here with them just feels so right.

I came back home this weekend. A house is more than just four walls; it’s a refuge where we feel warm, secure and welcome. The house I sit and write this in is littered with memories.

 

This house came to me in an unusual fashion. Quasi-bequeathed to me, my grandparents bought this home in 1964 immediately after my “paw-paw” retired from the Army. The brought their three children here – the oldest of which was my mother – and lived out their life together.

My mom married my dad in the dining room; my Uncle Sam tried to sneak in drunk late at night. I remember throwing baseball in the yard and listening to Braves games on the radio. I remember spending the night here every chance I got, completely content in the love and affection only grandparents can give.

But there are memories that hurt as well; having to say goodbye to my grandfather as he laid on his deathbed with that rattle in his chest. The kitchen table my grandmother was eating her breakfast at when she has a fatal heart attack greets me every time I go to grab a bite.

Then when a time came in my life that I needed a place; a time when my young wife and I were struggling, this house was our safe haven also.  I started raising my kids here; playing ball in the yard just like my family had done with me. I remember jumping out of bed and rushing to the hospital to see my daughter’s birth. We celebrated birthdays at that same kitchen table.

And as prone to happen in life, the bad times followed the good. I remember sitting in the same room my paw-paw died in and hearing Heather tell me that “she was sorry…but it’s over.” A part of me died in that room also. I remember sitting in the same kitchen chair my grandmother ate her last meal in and crying the day I got out of jail for DUI.

So I ran away. I let those painful, negative memories overpower those positive ones. But this weekend I came back home. Now I sit here writing this, watching my son play on the bed where four generations of my family have lived, loved, laughed and sometimes died and I realize that this place will always be home. I’m so tired of running and feeling lost. Tonight, sitting with my children and soaking in all these memories again…it’s the first time I’ve felt warm, secure, welcome – Home – since the day I left.

If ‘Might Have Been’ Were Kings and Queens, Then We’d Have Kingdoms All

I'm still chasing my dreams like fireflies...

I wish I could tell you what happened. I wish I knew what it was that seems to make me cursed in love. But I don’t know. Believe me; if I did I would change it. As fast as my ex-wife wanted to reconcile, she ended it before we had even really started again. A lot of my friends seem to think I should be bitter or angry about what happened to me…but I’m not. I still want the one thing I have wanted for the last 8 years of my life – since the first time I ever saw her; for her to be happy. Regardless if I’m with her or not, her happiness is what’s most important to me.

I think that’s what unconditional love is. My ex-wife doesn’t have to be with me, but I can’t stand the thoughts of her being unhappy. Don’t get me wrong, this experience has hurt. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it was reopening a cut that I had finally closed. I feel as if I’ve almost bled out. But I have learned a lot about myself, about love and now about forgiveness. I didn’t necessarily get what I wanted out of the last month or so of my life – but I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt I got what I needed. I don’t believe in coincidence or happenstance; I went into this experience thinking I would get my wife back and that this was meant to be.

But what I got was a lesson in true love and humility. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. And here I am – back in Atlanta, sitting in the exact seat I was in 30 days ago. It’s almost as if I hit some kind of time warp and was transported for a month of my life and suddenly here I am again, beamed back to where I was sitting almost as if I dreamt it all. It’s really kind of surreal.

I don’t know what exactly I’m going to do with myself at this point – I have an idea where I want to get…but I have to try and figure out the best way to get there. In that respect, leaving this city and walking away from my life was quite detrimental. But life is all about risks and chances. I learned that I am not what she wants – and as a hard a pill as that is to swallow, it’s something I have to deal with. Now that we both know that for sure I have to reclose that cut and press forward with my life – for myself and my children.

So here I am rebuilding…again. I know I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and get to where it is I am headed. The road to that place is just so different than I ever expected it to be. So it’s time to stop focusing on what might have been. I’m once again setting the past behind me and chasing my dreams like a little boy chases fireflies against an Alabama night sky; one at a time, jumping as high as he can to grab them.

On My Knees

It’s been a really tough week thus far emotionally for me. I mentioned the reconciliation discussion last Sunday (see my previous blog) and ever since then I have been really confused if what we are doing was the right thing. Marriages are complicated – heck, any kind of relationship has its ups and downs. I have been down on my hands and knees in prayer about my family and better half all week. The only time I seem to have had any clarity has been when I am praying or running.

I want us to be like these two. Old people in love are so cute!

But today I became clear on everything. I don’t know if I just saw it in a different light or if it just took me a while to process what God was telling me. I have received so many differing opinions from friends about what to do. But the fact is most of them aren’t divorced, or don’t have children, or have never even been married. I know they care about me and want what’s best for my life – but they also don’t have a full-view of the situation or any relative experience. I had to go to the Lord for final guidance on this issue.

Heather and I are both scared to death. I thought at first that was a bad thing – I thought that we should both feel amazing about trying to make our marriage work again. I thought we shouldn’t be worried or concerned. But I realized today that I was wrong. We SHOULD be scared and nervous. When things ended I was an alcoholic, she was in a deep depression, and things were very, very dark and meek. We essentially lived separate of each other. I understand why we are hesitant. We are scared of what was. We don’t want to go back to that place and the hurt and anguish we went through a year ago.

That fright however is a blessing. It is what will drive us to make something unique and new – form a new stronger relationship over what we had even at the best of times before. We are building what is; not going back to what was. I know if we both work diligently at saving our relationship we can. God put us here for a reason…and has brought us back together for a reason. Maybe it’s not His intention for this to work out, but for us to learn a lesson along the way. I don’t know His plans – but I do know He’s always out in front of us leading us where we need to go. If we stay focused on His path, we cannot lose.

I’m not sure what the future holds for us – I hope a lifetime of happiness and joy; I hope one day we will be able to help other couples who are going through the same trials and tribulations we are. I hope I am writing this blog 50 years from now with Heather sitting by my side. But that’s not for me to decide. All I know is that God has given me a second chance with the most important woman ever in my life and I will do everything in my power to honor, love and cherish her while I can.

It’s Friday I’m In Love

It was an interesting weekend. I packed up and left out Friday morning in order to help Heather with the kids. Initially I was going to show up Saturday, spend the night with her and the babies and then head to church with them in the morning. Unfortunately, a sick little girl forced Heather to take off Friday so I did what any smitten guy would do in this situation; head over a day early.

It ended up being a strange weekend, though. She is still living with her family – which is where I stayed as well. It felt much more like we were jumping right back into the way things used to be than we both liked. I think that was just because of our surroundings and the fact I was there to also spend time with my children. I am fully aware that I MUST treat her like a girlfriend if I intend for her to stay around.

I can't wait until we get back to not just being as strong a couple as we once were, but even stronger because of what we've been through.

I absolutely cannot take her for granted. We had a long discussion that might have made me cry at one point (yes…I’m a crier) about whether this was the right thing to do or not. I left uncertain of where she stood. Fortunately for me, I got a call on my drive home that she does in fact want to do this. I think we had both hoped that a newness would be there; that initial feeling of euphoria you get when you date someone and like them. But it wasn’t.
Again…surroundings I think. That’s not to say we didn’t really enjoy a lot of our time together. We took the kids to the park and softball practice, went to church, had an awesome day at the mall together…but it’s different. And it always will be. We already know everything there is to know about one another. We might not get that first feeling of infatuation back ever…but we can certainly rekindle the flames of passion in our relationship. I am working diligently on that because I know how important it is. But what we have is so much deeper and more meaningful than that. Heather pointed out that infatuation always wears off in a relationship. And then what is there? We know what we have in each other; we just have to find the sparks that were there 6 years ago.

So here we are after a very emotional week or so and barreling in towards Friday; the day we’ll all be under one roof again. My kids are super stoked. I am a little scared, but wildly excited. I know it’s going to be amazing because I am going to make it that way. God has us here and going through all this for a reason. It’s going to be turbulent at times…but I know if we keep focused on what’s important in life; our faith and our family – then we cannot and will not fail. God has something big in store for us. I can’t help but feel that in my heart.

So now I am just sitting and waiting basically; T minus 4-days until we blast-off into our new relationship and lives. It’s the most nervous and excited I have been since I told Heather “I do” more than 5 years ago. And just like that day, I am signing up for the long term; through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health. I love her so much.

I Missed You

I sit and write from the snow-drenched precipice of what was; living in a city I don’t really belong in, in a state where I have been unsuccessfully trying to dilutee my unhappiness by simply adjusting my surroundings. But now, everything has changed. I am hurdling toward what is instead of running from what was. Toward what it is I have wanted and desired; I have loved and missed; and been incomplete without. My axis is no longer on a tilt. My ex-wife and I reconciled yesterday. It was a year in the making and no matter how much I tried to tell myself, to lie and convince myself I didn’t need her – want her – I couldn’t fool myself.

I’ve always believed when you love something you have to set it free. Such was the case in our relationship. I knew there were things she needed to have, experiences she missed out on. I could read it in her beautiful brown eyes. So she went to live those experiences out. I believe in fate – or destiny, however. I always hoped she would return – and that having lived out those experiences she would see my love for her never stopped, was unconditional and timeless. Fortunately for me, she did see that. We both tried living without each other…but quickly realized that what we need most was the very thing we left behind – each other.

All those lonely days, sitting, wondering and waiting are over – and now we can move forward together again. Building the life we want. Absence makes the heart grow fonder – clichéd? Sure. But true. I feel like I can finally open my heart and let out so many feelings I have kept stored away. I will engulf her in the love, attention and passion she so deserves.

While not everyone agrees with my decision it is not theirs to make. I have been told to “tread lightly” and not to go back for more hurt. I would go through all that pain and suffering again just to spend one more day with her – to have her wake next to me and be there. Because the light she creates in me will always outweigh the dark. Not everyone will understand that; and that’s fine. I do and she does. And that’s all that matters in the end.

So as I watch the last of this snowy weather end, I know that tomorrow will come with sunshine to melt away the slush and ice and start fresh. Just like the weather outside my window, the ice that had cocooned me has melted away and I can once again bask in the light of my life.

So The Story Goes

I am sick with anticipation today. My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing and I can’t seem to sleep a wink. It’s not like I have a big test to take…or maybe I do. Tonight I reunite with my ex-wife to do something. I’m not really sure what we are calling this. But apparently we are going out with her friends from work. Is it a date? Just hanging out together? Who knows…and who cares, really. I’m just happy to be able to spend time with her.

I'm just like this....except replace the chick with a dude.

Why in the world am I so nervous? I feel like a school kid again. I mean honestly, I know this woman better than anyone else on the planet. Am I scared of rejection or how much has changed in our year apart? Or maybe it’s just the weird convergence of our old lives coming full-circle into our new ones. Whatever it is it’s got me pacing floors like I am going on a first date again. And I suppose, in a way I am.

All the things I wasn’t when we were married – all the parts of me I lost in our relationship – are now back. I know she missed those pieces of me also. I don’t want to lose them again. I want to be the man I vowed I would always be to her…married or not. I let that slip away for a while and I payed dearly for it. But I never stopped loving her, caring for her…and being there whenever she needed me. I always will be.

I guess it’s just normal to be nervous on a date with a beautiful, intelligent woman. I took her for granted before and lost that edge. I stopped treating her like a girlfriend and started treating her like a wife. I took her for granted. I promise that won’t happen again. Here’s to second chances and fresh starts….sweaty palms and all.

Do You Like Me? Circle One – Yes or No

Reconciliation – it’s a term I thought I never wanted to hear. What “was” is just that – the past. But I got the call I thought I would never get from my ex-wife a few days ago. It was all about reconciling, about trying pick up where we left off. Trying to right the wrongs and fix what was broken before.

I thought after all I had been through – so much anger and hurt, that I would immediately shoot down any such idea or plan. But honestly it intrigues me. Clearly there was something there before, and there always will be. Can we get past some of the hurtful things that were said? Am I just setting myself up for more hurt? How will my children handle it? Am I just the fall-back guy? My head is littered with these thoughts and questions.

Mainly though I have to decide if this is the right move for me. I can’t go back to being the person I was then. Clearly if I take this path we’ll probably need to see a counselor. Hell, I might need to see a counselor right now. But the love I have for Heather has never gone away. It’s still right where it was. Maybe the split was just what we needed to make us realize what we had and appreciate each other.

First things first, though – I’ve got to finish working on myself. I know I have to get myself to the place I want and need to be before I can really focus on someone else. Still I am just so shocked, scared, excited and confused all at once about what’s happening. It’s a little like what I wrote about yesterday…there are so many tough adult decisions in life. I just hope I make the right one; for myself, my children and my ex-wife. The only thing I know for sure is that I’ve missed her.

Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

There is a huge difference between being the leave-er or the leave-ee. Even when you know the relationship has gone down the tubes and it’s unrepairable – it makes all the difference in the world who throws in the towel first. I am a lot of things and have been called a lot of names in my 29 years – but a quitter has never been one of them. I have never given up on anything.

And I never quit on my marriage. I tried every way possible to be a good husband, a good friend and a good father in my life. I was willing to try any and everything to make it work – up to and including giving up all my dreams and goals to work a job I was miserable at. Just for her. But that wasn’t enough. Nothing I could have done would have been enough. That was a hard lesson learned – I should have been living for myself all along.

So when she packed up and headed out with my kids in tow, there was really only one question. What went wrong? I still don’t know today. And I realize now I will never know. I spent a lot of the last six months trying to figure it out – and the more I did, the more I became upset and angry. Angry that I gave up so much and tried so hard, just for her to walk out the front door with little or no effort or thoughts about my feelings.

Constantly evaluating it – where it went bad, what I did wrong – was making it impossible for me to let go. And then, a few days ago it hit me. The main basis of Buddhism sums it up pretty well:

Life is Suffering

I realize that sounds quite morose, but it is so true. Buddhism teaches us that everything we love in life is temporary. Everything will leave us – our parents, our spouses, our children and all our material items. If you don’t accept that, then you will suffer, because I guarantee they will all be gone one-day. And that got me thinking…

She was still taking away my life and dreams and goals. Every second I devoted to thinking of her and the time we spent together are precious seconds I was taking away from my life now. Seconds that I can never get back. As soon as I realized that – she was gone. And that’s where she’ll stay. Sure, I will occasionally have to talk with her still. But that will be it. She had her chance and she made her decisions. Now I have made mine. I wish her happiness and joy and hope that she finds whatever it is she is seeking in life. Life is too short and precious to be unhappy – so I understand why she left. In fact, it was the best thing ever to happen to me. I am now the person I always wanted to be.

So henceforth you will not again see any ramblings on what was or could have been – only what is and what will be. Things are a lot brighter when you walk towards the light instead of looking away from it. I have everything a man could want and ask for right now – a great relationship, great friends, wonderful kids and I am doing exactly what it is I want in life. I refuse to feel sorry for myself any longer. To live is to suffer – I have acknowledged that and now I have moved on to bigger and better pastures…and boobs.

The Sweet Science

“My toughest fight was with my first wife.” – Muhammed Ali

It's not about fists: it's about heart.

I have gone and started on a quest that I have dreamed about since I was a little boy. I have taken up boxing as my one – and only – hobby.
I have become enamored with the sport. Pugilism – the art of fighting with the fists – is something I sat in my room and dreamed of doing when I was a little boy. Watching Mike Tyson tear through opponents in seconds, I always had the desire to fight. And like most Alabama boys I had my fair share of disagreements that were best solved via fisticuffs. But this journey I have embarked on – this is completely different.

Boxing, as I am learning, is not about the other person in the ring. It’s not a battle with an opponent. It is a battle within you. It is your mind telling you to stop – you are tired, weak, beaten. It is that battle you must conquer. It’s all about overcoming your own demons, problems and constraints to get to a place where you perform at your highest level. The training is absolute hell – it is all about enduring pain and winning that battle in your mind. It is everything I ever wanted and needed.

It allows me to escape my world – to go into a side of myself I never knew existed – to gaze into a part of Russell I have never seen before. Nothing worthwhile ever comes without hardship and pain. That is the story of my life. I love what Ali said in that quote. No fight can be worse than that with a loved one – a fight as your go through the demise of a relationship or stand among the crumbled ruins of what once was or could have been. It took pain and hardship – the kind of fights Ali talked about – to get me here. As odd as it sounds, I am thankful for that. Now that I am here, by comparison, fighting and life seem easier.

But through this art of fighting – this combat sport, I am learning that all those arguments and problems – whether it was a in a relationship, at a job or with my family – were never truly with another person – they were with myself. I now see that – and I am fixing the broken parts every time I step in that gym. It might not be for everyone – getting punched in the guts and face over and over – but for me it is The Greatest Battle. It is the fight for my life, my soul and the chance to forgive myself. Beating the hell out of someone may sound therapeutic– maybe relieve some pent-up frustrations – but it is the getting there that is saving me, one punch at a time.

Daughters

My little girl...

My daughter is so much like her mom, that it scares me. Looking into her eyes is like staring into the eyes of my ex-wife. It takes me through a range of feelings – from joy and hope, to anger and sadness. It is so difficult for me to try and look at her as a separate person than her mother – the time frame that she was born in, the conditions and state of our relationship, the bitterness, the love, the divorce – it’s all there behind those two beautiful blue eyes every time she looks at her dad. It makes me wish I was a better man; a better father.

It makes me want to be able to better separate the two of them. God knows I try. I am so scared of becoming the man who punishes the child for the sins of the mother. I see it – and I try to stop it. But it is a more challenging task than I ever imagined. I love my children unconditionally. But her curly brown hair, her porcelain skin, the way she curls her brow when she is upset – right now, my mind tells me she is her mom. When she cries her tears take me back to a place in time I don’t want to visit – it’s just like her mother is crying and the fighting is replaying all over again in my head, and there I am – saying things that are hurtful – words that cut like knives, that I can’t just apologize for.

And then she comes and hugs me, her 20-month old arms around my neck, telling me that it is okay; that mistakes happen, that people can change and forgive. She teaches me that love is more powerful than hatred. And in her eyes I see hope – hope for me, that I can be the father I want to be. A father like I had. And right then, in that instant – when her tears and mine stream down our faces at the same time and drip off her precious little nose – I realize she is not her mother. She is my daughter and one of the two greatest things to ever happen to me.