A Tale of Two People

I always feel like I’m watching myself implode. I just don’t know it. That’s the nature of a manic depressive. It’s almost like there are three completely different versions of me and you never know which one you’re going to get. Right now I’m normal Russell. I can laugh at your jokes, play with my kids, keep my better half happy (as much as you can keep a woman that’s nine months pregnant happy) and pretty much function like most of society. But these times are few and far between…so I felt like I should get this written down while I can.

I believe this disease is going to be the death of me. Maybe not directly, but certainly indirectly. Because the times I’m the guy I mentioned above are few and far between. I was so ashamed of being mentally ill that I didn’t dare speak of it or even tell anyone about it for many years after the diagnosis. I just carried on living a life that’s hard for most people to fathom.

You see, I can become a monster. When I get manic it’s as if “my amp goes to 11.” And it doesn’t stop blaring tunes for a while. I’ll get in the car and drive off on a whim. I’ll cheat on my spouse. I’ll do drugs and drink non-stop. I’ll spend enormous amounts of money. I’ll do things that seem insane to most people. It feels incredible. It’s the greatest Euphoria ever. It’s like liquid energy coursing through me. The problem is that I am completely unaware that I am being manic. I just feel great. My brain is on overloaded. It’s scary and amazing and dangerous and so many things I don’t even realize all at once. I walk away from jobs never to be heard from again. I call and scream at friends in the middle of the night. I live to the maximum.

And then I wake up one day and I feel normal. I have to asses the damage and piece together what I’ve done. It’s not that I don’t remember it. I just can’t stop it – and I never think of the consequences. I find myself broke. Jobless. In jail. My house empty and my family gone. All that has been my life.

Or worse I go into a depression. This isn’t the general malaise or “I hate my job” most people fall into. I once layed in bed for 3 weeks straight. I didn’t even get up to use the restroom. I laid in my filth and waste and was willing myself to death. I have times when all I can focus on is not wanting to be here – of slipping back into the nothingness we existed in before we were born. I imagine my corpse rotting and the smell of decay. It’s as if I can actually smell it coming off my skin. I can taste its bitterness on my tongue. I have no regard for what will happen to my children. Or my parents. I will just cease to be. And I desire that. It’s a black hole that sucks my life away and I vanish into despair and nothingness.

I have just recently started admitting I need help. It took a long time and a lot of coaxing. Thankfully I’m being medicated and finally trying to get myself right, and to fix my life and make it one that is livable and worthwhile. If you’re still reading this I imagine you’re someone that knows me. If I’ve run you ragged, used, abused or mistreated you – I apologize. I never intend for things to happen how they do. I just have no off switch on my ups and downs. I should have been more transparent earlier. Please accept my apologies. You are and will always be my friend. I hope to prove that to you again in the future.

Maybe you’re someone who is here because you too struggle with the ups and downs of bipolar. Or just depression. If you are thanks for sticking around and listening to my rant. If there’s one thing I can tell you it is this: get help. Now. Don’t wait until later. I was lucky to have a support network that pushed me into help. I was about a step away from dying and even closer to being one of those sad old homeless veterans you see on the street.

If my kids ever read this I want them to know I’m sorry I haven’t been a better father for them. It was selfish of me not to seek help sooner. I will spend the rest of my life trying to be the man, the boyfriend, the friend and the father I know I can be. Your unconditional love pushes me in a way nothing else could. My kids are the most beautiful blessings and I often wonder if not for them would I still be alive.

I hope whoever you are reading this – wherever you are – you appreciate the little things. Your health, your family. The ability to control your mind and your faculties. We all have daily struggles. Life is a challenge. I hope you too are climbing your mountains and fighting the good fight.