Slip Slidin’ Away

It’s taken me a long time to feel like I’m back on “top of my game.” I haven’t really felt complete or successful in six years. I was a newly-minted civilian straight from military service, studying pre-medicine in college. I was killing it. The “Freshman of The Year” at my college and a 4.0 student, I was achieving everything I desired.

But then a funny thing happened – I met a girl. And everything changed. It’s funny how that works. I had a paradigm shift. My priorities and focus changed. (It’s amazing how that happens to a man having sex on a regular basis.) Before I knew it my grades had plummeted, I was married, suddenly out of college and in the working world. Before long I found out I was going to be a father. My entire world had changed in two years.

Don’t let me mislead you into thinking I was unhappy about all this. I was thrilled to be having a child and be married – but something inside of me could never let that dream of medical school die. I always felt like I hadn’t achieved what I was meant to. But over time I came to realize my wife didn’t share the same goals as I did, and for that and a plethora of other reasons, I woke up one day to see she had decided to make like Tom and Cruise.

It took me a good bit longer to get back to being me; to finding who I was and what I wanted. It took lots of beers, a handful of great friends, a half a year in a different city and the help of my faith to finally get back on the right track. And here I am. Amazingly I’ve come full circle.

I’m back in college; albeit older but definitely wiser for the times. And while my dream of one day becoming a doctor seems highly improbable due to my age and responsibilities, I found a middle ground with the Physician’s Assistant program. I finally feel back on top of the World. I am so excited and happy to be able and pick back up where I left off. Every day I get up stoked to go study something I love and get one step closer to becoming the person I want to be. There’s no doubt I will achieve my goals this time around. I just have to stay away from girls.

The End Is The Beginning Is The End

Where does it all end?

I feel just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I woke up today and realized I am living the same thing over and over again. Maybe the people and places are a little different; I traded the woods of Alabama for the skyscrapers of Atlanta, but the events and emotions are exactly the same. How and when does it all end?

Maybe I have to start changing my ways and making the “right” decisions just like Phil did. It’s really surreal to wake up and realize you’re 30 years old and still your own worst enemy. I’m sitting here, once again unemployed, once again trying to figure out how to be happy, how to make a living and how to get out of this vicious cycle that has had me trapped for more than 8 years now.

My father calls what we have “The Crowe Curse.” Maybe he’s onto something. Perhaps I should just embrace this existence of daily struggle and acknowledge that’s what my life is meant to be. But I can’t help but think there’s a way out. Surely since some of the folks around me that got caught up in the curse were able to escape and find something more – I should be able to also.

Living this life was fun once upon a time, but not anymore. It’s time to change. I just don’t know how. And until I do I’ll wake up and live this same day, these same feelings, over and over until one day… when I just won’t wake up at all.

Homeward Bound

Hanging out at my casa with one of my two best friends. Being back here with them just feels so right.

I came back home this weekend. A house is more than just four walls; it’s a refuge where we feel warm, secure and welcome. The house I sit and write this in is littered with memories.

 

This house came to me in an unusual fashion. Quasi-bequeathed to me, my grandparents bought this home in 1964 immediately after my “paw-paw” retired from the Army. The brought their three children here – the oldest of which was my mother – and lived out their life together.

My mom married my dad in the dining room; my Uncle Sam tried to sneak in drunk late at night. I remember throwing baseball in the yard and listening to Braves games on the radio. I remember spending the night here every chance I got, completely content in the love and affection only grandparents can give.

But there are memories that hurt as well; having to say goodbye to my grandfather as he laid on his deathbed with that rattle in his chest. The kitchen table my grandmother was eating her breakfast at when she has a fatal heart attack greets me every time I go to grab a bite.

Then when a time came in my life that I needed a place; a time when my young wife and I were struggling, this house was our safe haven also.  I started raising my kids here; playing ball in the yard just like my family had done with me. I remember jumping out of bed and rushing to the hospital to see my daughter’s birth. We celebrated birthdays at that same kitchen table.

And as prone to happen in life, the bad times followed the good. I remember sitting in the same room my paw-paw died in and hearing Heather tell me that “she was sorry…but it’s over.” A part of me died in that room also. I remember sitting in the same kitchen chair my grandmother ate her last meal in and crying the day I got out of jail for DUI.

So I ran away. I let those painful, negative memories overpower those positive ones. But this weekend I came back home. Now I sit here writing this, watching my son play on the bed where four generations of my family have lived, loved, laughed and sometimes died and I realize that this place will always be home. I’m so tired of running and feeling lost. Tonight, sitting with my children and soaking in all these memories again…it’s the first time I’ve felt warm, secure, welcome – Home – since the day I left.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

Bono tells us of how he has run, crawled and scaled city walls; climbed the highest mountain and run though fields only to realize that he still hasn’t found what it is he’s looking for. It’s a feeling that I think we can all relate to at some point in our lives. I have had a lot of time on my hands lately to do some soul-searching; thanks to U2 I realized that I too haven’t found what I’m looking for.

I am so tired of being unhappy, of fighting the same battles over and over again…with loved ones, my ex-wife, my friends. I get so frustrated with burning bridges and squandering opportunities again and again. Why is it that I am my own worst enemy? Why isn’t my life where I think it should be? I blame my bi-polar disorder and call my friends “enablers,” but I realize that what I am really missing is a sort of inner peace and happiness that only I can find. I have to look deep into myself and seek out what it is I want from this life.

Mr. Bono and I won’t find it atop the peak of a mountain or guarded behind city gates like a lost treasure. I have to look inward and find it. I have to take time to listen to myself and stop drowning out what my heart is trying to tell me. Sometimes the white noise around us can be deafening. In this world of technical marvels – this Age of Immediacy – we all forget to stop and listen; to other people and to ourselves. I do it all the time. But I have to stop and listen now.

My back is against the wall in a way it never has been before. I’m scared to death of the future. The economy is a mess, I’ve been unemployed for what seems ages, I am behind on child support; I’ve given myself ulcers and spend my nights coughing up blood. What for? Why? Am I doing what I need to be doing? Am I in the right city? Am I applying for the right kind of jobs? How do I know?

It’s simple in theory. I listen. I do what my heart tells me. And I write about it, of course. I haven’t heard myself for a long time now. I hope you all listen better than I do. And I hope you too find what it is you’re looking for.

A mustache, a case of beer and the Adult Entertainment Industry

No one ever told me moving to Atlanta would be easy. Of course, packing up a suitcase and just driving off into the sunset towards a new beginning, a new life – it sounded so perfect. It’s almost like something pulled from the pages of a novel. Applying to work in the gay adult entertainment industry? I don’t remember reading that in a novel…but it’s not really my genre. I’ll get back to that.

There's really nothing wity I can post here...the pic really steals my thunder.

As my video blog mentioned the other day, I was turned down for a janitorial job. That was a really low blow to my self confidence and mental well-being. I’m not really sure why in the hell I was even applying for that position. They were correct in assessing me as overqualified for that job – despite the fact I have the greatest mustache ever. I assumed it would make me look more everyday-kind-of-guy. At this point though, a job is a job. I believe I said that job was as far down as I felt I could fall, but I was wrong. (No offense intended, janitors of the World.) I actually applied a few days back to be a stock worker at a place that stores and distributes gay pornography. Yes, you read that correctly. It’s most definitely not my dream job. Hell…I didn’t even realize such jobs existed. But at this point I’ll do ALMOST any and everything. I never heard back from them. Apparently I’m not qualified for that gig either. It’s probably a good thing. That’s a job you don’t want to have to explain to future employers.

All this time off and job searching has made me realize this: the world doesn’t have that much work for unskilled labor. And unfortunately for me, the things I am skilled in – Public Relations, Marketing, playing music loudly, drinking copious amounts, using cheesy pickup lines on women way out of my league, wasting hours on the Net – it’s very beneficial to be a hot chick, have finished college or more than likely both. (No offense intended, hot chicks of the World) I have never watched gay porn, so I guess I don’t have a background in that field. Maybe that’s why they too didn’t offer me a job.

My buddy Ted called and asked if I would come and help him paint all day tomorrow. He has a condo he’s trying to get ready to rent out. I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to make a little side cash – get a little change in my pocket, if you will. But alas, he wants to pay me in alcohol and food. I’m not sure what that story says about me. I like beer, maybe? Check. It is the nectar of the Gods – as good as cash in my book. Besides, it will break up the monotony that is my last few weeks. Painting while drinking and listening to some good ole’ Southern Rock – it’ll be like I’m right back in Alabama. I can’t wait. And it’s got to be better than stocking porn. So I’ve got that going for me.

As always, be safe, be good and be happy. See you on down the road.

I Can Clean Your Wiz?!?

Just when you thought a job search could get no more demoralizing…this happens.

If ‘Might Have Been’ Were Kings and Queens, Then We’d Have Kingdoms All

I'm still chasing my dreams like fireflies...

I wish I could tell you what happened. I wish I knew what it was that seems to make me cursed in love. But I don’t know. Believe me; if I did I would change it. As fast as my ex-wife wanted to reconcile, she ended it before we had even really started again. A lot of my friends seem to think I should be bitter or angry about what happened to me…but I’m not. I still want the one thing I have wanted for the last 8 years of my life – since the first time I ever saw her; for her to be happy. Regardless if I’m with her or not, her happiness is what’s most important to me.

I think that’s what unconditional love is. My ex-wife doesn’t have to be with me, but I can’t stand the thoughts of her being unhappy. Don’t get me wrong, this experience has hurt. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it was reopening a cut that I had finally closed. I feel as if I’ve almost bled out. But I have learned a lot about myself, about love and now about forgiveness. I didn’t necessarily get what I wanted out of the last month or so of my life – but I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt I got what I needed. I don’t believe in coincidence or happenstance; I went into this experience thinking I would get my wife back and that this was meant to be.

But what I got was a lesson in true love and humility. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. And here I am – back in Atlanta, sitting in the exact seat I was in 30 days ago. It’s almost as if I hit some kind of time warp and was transported for a month of my life and suddenly here I am again, beamed back to where I was sitting almost as if I dreamt it all. It’s really kind of surreal.

I don’t know what exactly I’m going to do with myself at this point – I have an idea where I want to get…but I have to try and figure out the best way to get there. In that respect, leaving this city and walking away from my life was quite detrimental. But life is all about risks and chances. I learned that I am not what she wants – and as a hard a pill as that is to swallow, it’s something I have to deal with. Now that we both know that for sure I have to reclose that cut and press forward with my life – for myself and my children.

So here I am rebuilding…again. I know I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and get to where it is I am headed. The road to that place is just so different than I ever expected it to be. So it’s time to stop focusing on what might have been. I’m once again setting the past behind me and chasing my dreams like a little boy chases fireflies against an Alabama night sky; one at a time, jumping as high as he can to grab them.

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting

It’s always awesome to be around family. Well….not so much my parents. Don’t get me wrong; they are great people whom I love to death, but they can drive me batty if I spend too much time around them. I was actually talking about Dylan and Kylie – my two best friends in the world. Since I am sitting here in Tuscaloosa just killing time until the new casa in Anniston is ready this Friday, I decided to bring Dylan home with me for a few days until we head back for church Wednesday night.

My wife and children give me such purpose, motivation and meaning. They are amazing gifts from God.

It’s truly amazing how much clarity I get from spending time with a 4-year old. The unconditional love he has for me, the way he looks up to me and always tries to make me proud is so life affirming. I spent so much time away from my children over the last year I had forgotten how incredible they are. I thought that running from them and their mother – getting distance and separation – would allow me to forget about what had happened; to pretend it never existed and just move ahead with my life. Trust me, that didn’t work. It made my soul restless. It kept me lying awake at night. After spending my entire life running from problems and feelings I had finally found something I couldn’t escape; love at its most basic, true form.

Having my son and daughter around gives my life purpose, reason and motivation. I lacked all that when they were gone. I’m not sure how I ever made it 25 years without them. Everything I try to do is to better their lives and give them opportunities I never had. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. They absolutely have the most amazing woman as a mother also. The fact that she married me the first time still flabbergasts me. I can’t at all understand why she wants me back after all I put her through. She’s just that special. She is without a doubt a gift from God. And it shows in my children. They have her generosity, her inquisitiveness and thankfully for them her stunning beauty. But most importantly they ground me and make me see what’s important in life just like she does. A man couldn’t ask for three better best friends to grow old with. And that’s what I realized laying here with Dylan watching him nap.

It’s like the old Japanese Proverb that says “When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.” My family is my best friend; and they make me look so much better than I deserve. I try every minute of every day to make decisions that honor, love, respect and reciprocate all that they give me. I love each of them so much more than I can ever show or tell them. But I will spend my lifetime trying.

On My Knees

It’s been a really tough week thus far emotionally for me. I mentioned the reconciliation discussion last Sunday (see my previous blog) and ever since then I have been really confused if what we are doing was the right thing. Marriages are complicated – heck, any kind of relationship has its ups and downs. I have been down on my hands and knees in prayer about my family and better half all week. The only time I seem to have had any clarity has been when I am praying or running.

I want us to be like these two. Old people in love are so cute!

But today I became clear on everything. I don’t know if I just saw it in a different light or if it just took me a while to process what God was telling me. I have received so many differing opinions from friends about what to do. But the fact is most of them aren’t divorced, or don’t have children, or have never even been married. I know they care about me and want what’s best for my life – but they also don’t have a full-view of the situation or any relative experience. I had to go to the Lord for final guidance on this issue.

Heather and I are both scared to death. I thought at first that was a bad thing – I thought that we should both feel amazing about trying to make our marriage work again. I thought we shouldn’t be worried or concerned. But I realized today that I was wrong. We SHOULD be scared and nervous. When things ended I was an alcoholic, she was in a deep depression, and things were very, very dark and meek. We essentially lived separate of each other. I understand why we are hesitant. We are scared of what was. We don’t want to go back to that place and the hurt and anguish we went through a year ago.

That fright however is a blessing. It is what will drive us to make something unique and new – form a new stronger relationship over what we had even at the best of times before. We are building what is; not going back to what was. I know if we both work diligently at saving our relationship we can. God put us here for a reason…and has brought us back together for a reason. Maybe it’s not His intention for this to work out, but for us to learn a lesson along the way. I don’t know His plans – but I do know He’s always out in front of us leading us where we need to go. If we stay focused on His path, we cannot lose.

I’m not sure what the future holds for us – I hope a lifetime of happiness and joy; I hope one day we will be able to help other couples who are going through the same trials and tribulations we are. I hope I am writing this blog 50 years from now with Heather sitting by my side. But that’s not for me to decide. All I know is that God has given me a second chance with the most important woman ever in my life and I will do everything in my power to honor, love and cherish her while I can.

It’s Friday I’m In Love

It was an interesting weekend. I packed up and left out Friday morning in order to help Heather with the kids. Initially I was going to show up Saturday, spend the night with her and the babies and then head to church with them in the morning. Unfortunately, a sick little girl forced Heather to take off Friday so I did what any smitten guy would do in this situation; head over a day early.

It ended up being a strange weekend, though. She is still living with her family – which is where I stayed as well. It felt much more like we were jumping right back into the way things used to be than we both liked. I think that was just because of our surroundings and the fact I was there to also spend time with my children. I am fully aware that I MUST treat her like a girlfriend if I intend for her to stay around.

I can't wait until we get back to not just being as strong a couple as we once were, but even stronger because of what we've been through.

I absolutely cannot take her for granted. We had a long discussion that might have made me cry at one point (yes…I’m a crier) about whether this was the right thing to do or not. I left uncertain of where she stood. Fortunately for me, I got a call on my drive home that she does in fact want to do this. I think we had both hoped that a newness would be there; that initial feeling of euphoria you get when you date someone and like them. But it wasn’t.
Again…surroundings I think. That’s not to say we didn’t really enjoy a lot of our time together. We took the kids to the park and softball practice, went to church, had an awesome day at the mall together…but it’s different. And it always will be. We already know everything there is to know about one another. We might not get that first feeling of infatuation back ever…but we can certainly rekindle the flames of passion in our relationship. I am working diligently on that because I know how important it is. But what we have is so much deeper and more meaningful than that. Heather pointed out that infatuation always wears off in a relationship. And then what is there? We know what we have in each other; we just have to find the sparks that were there 6 years ago.

So here we are after a very emotional week or so and barreling in towards Friday; the day we’ll all be under one roof again. My kids are super stoked. I am a little scared, but wildly excited. I know it’s going to be amazing because I am going to make it that way. God has us here and going through all this for a reason. It’s going to be turbulent at times…but I know if we keep focused on what’s important in life; our faith and our family – then we cannot and will not fail. God has something big in store for us. I can’t help but feel that in my heart.

So now I am just sitting and waiting basically; T minus 4-days until we blast-off into our new relationship and lives. It’s the most nervous and excited I have been since I told Heather “I do” more than 5 years ago. And just like that day, I am signing up for the long term; through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health. I love her so much.